


Until the waves pull us in with the tide

by rebecca_rose



Series: in chan's bunk [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Bang Chan is Whipped, Can you tell I love Felix's freckles, Canon Compliant, Getting Together, I can't stop thinking about Chan's face during One Kid's Room, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:35:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27527755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebecca_rose/pseuds/rebecca_rose
Summary: Chan has been ignoring his growing feelings for Felix for years, but after One Kid's Room, he just can't stop himself.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Series: in chan's bunk [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2012026
Comments: 39
Kudos: 521





	Until the waves pull us in with the tide

**Author's Note:**

> I've never posted any of my writing before, or written ANY fanfic before, so. Take this with a grain of salt. I just can't get my brain to shut up about Chanlix, especially after Chan being all grumpy about Felix not cuddling him. I brain-dumped this fic onto paper in like two hours and now I feel five pounds lighter. I want to add more detail, more feelings, etc etc etc. But I also just want to get this out of my brain, so here you go.
> 
> Title is from "When my love ends" by SMLE, which is a love song by Chan to Felix and you will never change my mind about that.

It’s been years (technically: two) since Chan realized his feelings for Felix were beyond what could be called _hyung behavior_. The first time he called Felix his little brother in English, he was honestly expressing his best understanding of the warm fondness in his chest. Heat would glow just there at the base of his throat. Felix was - is - so young. Thin and wide-eyed and freckled and everything that Chan wanted to gather to his chest and protect from the world.

As Stray Kids grew, releasing music on an insane schedule that excited them all while also running them into the ground, Chan found himself piled with responsibilities. A thousand problems filled his head at any given moment, and he grew accustomed to the biting stress of worrying: worrying about the boys, worrying about the company’s reputation, worrying about sales and scandals and getting that line _just right_. His own feelings had to take the back burner. Chan had the burden of taking care of all 7 of them -- his full-time job. Caring about Felix a little more than the others was wrong, selfish, unfair.

But he just couldn’t help it. The boy was so damn _cute_ , so hard-working and thoughtful. Chan couldn’t deny that Felix’s laugh made his heart knock against his chest, or that the sight of his tired bare face at the end of the day washed over his worries like a calming tide. When they talked, just the two of them, Chan felt a spark of _something_ that simply didn’t exist with the other members, no matter how much he tried to pretend it wasn’t there. When he caught sight of Felix from across the practice room, his own exhaustion having brought his defences down, Chan would sometimes be caught off-guard. _So pretty._

Chan didn’t stop calling him _my little brother_ but he didn’t know how to explain the growing warmth, its spread to his neck, his cheeks, his ears. And then, alarmingly, down to the pit of his stomach: butterflies everywhere. They had a tendency to erupt at the most innocent of moments, and Felix was _filled_ with innocent moments. Smiles like the sun, tight hugs, encouraging words. Chan found himself startled when Felix leaned into his side while laughing at something Hyunjin said, or when he grabbed for Chan’s hand absent-mindedly while walking back to the dorm together.

When had that happened? He had to wonder, mentally scrolling back through the months. While Stray Kids were first getting comfortable with each other the skinship took him some getting used to, but Chan had never been the type to move away or flinch. Felix had always been affectionate. Nothing had changed. Nothing had changed. Nothing-

Something had changed. Chan knew it, because Felix knew it. He noticed. It was like Felix’s hair grew a little, his smile inclined with a brand new confidence in its own cuteness, and all of a sudden Chan was _nervous_. He couldn’t hide it and he knew Felix saw. 

Jeongin flinched away too, always had. And Felix always had responded by shoving his way in even closer, delighting in Jeongin’s protesting. When Chan began flinching too, he expected the same. Instead, each time it happened, Felix would avert his eyes and move subtly away without a word. There was a nervous energy around these moments that would dissipate the moment the scene changed. Felix was lovely, that was the only word for it. Any other time, he was _lovely_. This tenseness toward Chan didn’t suit him at all, and Chan would give anything to make it just go away.

He wasn’t expecting things to come to a head over a bright, cheery shoot of One Kid’s Room, but fate was cruel and had decided to film the very moment a channel opened in Chan’s mind for the first time, allowing everything held back to flow and get everywhere and just generally mess up the place. Framed off to the side, the moment was preserved for everyone to see.

~

If he were being honest, Chan would have to admit it: though he loved sharing his life with Stays, he was quietly grateful for the time off-camera-- hard work at the practice room until his muscles ached, the anxiety in his studio that greyed his hair and pushed him forward, the private, everyday talks both serious and silly, all the guys in Chan’s heart in their own ways -- but especially, over all else, the long stretches of night, quiet and soft and dark. Away from the others, away from the fans. Away from anything resembling a camera. Timeless time when anything could happen.

It started with the One Kid’s Room shoot, of course. It started there on camera and followed him home, after everyone had washed up and settled down for the night. Long after Changbin had begun snoring, Chan lay awake. Thoughts raced, from the new track giving him trouble to Hyunjin’s stomach ache that had bothered him the whole ride home, before finally settling on the true object of his frustrations. His frustrations were Felix-shaped. They were silly and sweet and sexy and freckled and smiling like nothing on earth was wrong. His heart was kneeling beneath a balcony, looking up at the most beautiful man in Korea, in Australia, in the whole world. Chan tossed and turned for what felt like hours before getting down from bed in a huff. His feet moved on autopilot to the living room where Felix was sitting on the couch with his legs crossed and tucked up under his laptop. The only light came from the city outside and the blue flash of whatever game he was currently obsessed with but Felix saw Chan immediately and took off his headphones. 

“Can’t sleep?” he asked, voice rough but warm, like honey-- Chan shook his head.

“Wanted, er,” he hesitated. “Wanna ask you something.” He broke out in a cold sweat. _What am I doing? I have no plan whatsoever--_

“ _Sure_ ,” said Felix, interrupting his panic. He closed his laptop a little and set it aside. He looked up at Chan and smiled, _so sweet, barefaced and sweet--_ Chan sat down on the couch beside Felix. They were angled toward each other, Felix looking concerned but open, utterly open and beautiful in the dim light.

“ _During the shoot today, during your segment_ …” Chan couldn’t look at him, couldn’t look at anything. He switched back to English and immediately felt vulnerable. “The guys said you cuddle them at night. I’m…I’m not-- I mean.” He coughed, just once. Nerves. “I just hope I didn’t do anything to make you feel like you couldn’t -- do that -- with me. If. If you wanted to.”

Chan couldn’t tell if Felix had taken even a single breath during his blushing outburst. He stared at the ground with his stomach in knots for reasons he didn’t let himself examine.

“I didn’t…” Felix started, slowly. “I didn’t think you’d like it.” He paused for a moment and when he continued, there was an oddly careful tilt to his voice. “I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable just because _I_ wanted something.”

Chan looked at him. He couldn’t help it. He had to see, to have some clue as to what Felix meant. What he felt.

Felix looked… like Felix. Messy bleached hair, baggy T-shirt hanging off one shoulder. Sweet smiling eyes, sweet smiling lips, and those damned freckles. He also looked tired, and a little nervous, and had an urgency hidden in his expression like he wanted Chan to just _get it already, please_.

“And what is it you want?” Chan could barely breathe.

Felix bit his lip and Chan’s butterflies whipped themselves into a frenzy. 

“Well, it’s late, and you need help sleeping. We could cuddle? I mean, ‘cause that’s what you said -- uh.” He stumbled in his speech, suddenly. “That’s what the guys told you. Uh. That I do with them. If you want.”

And _oh,_ how the nervous energy became familiar old warmth but this time all over, through the heart and lungs and stomach. 

“Yeah,” he heard himself say from miles away. “I’d like that.” _Stupid, stupid mouth--_

Felix’s smile softened. He reached over to gently close his laptop and left it there on the couch cushion, then stood and offered a hand to Chan. A small, warm, endlessly beloved hand. Chan took it and let Felix lead him to his bunk.

~

Chan had held Felix before. Laying on the couch watching a bad movie, hugging him from behind after an exhilarating performance, picking him up as a joke when Felix was acting particularly silly. But this felt terrifyingly private (Chan stopped himself before thinking ‘ _intimate’)_. Even when Felix lay across his lap in front of the TV, the presence of the others, whether they were sitting in the room with them or cooking noisily in the kitchen, kept Chan’s mind firmly where it belonged.

There was nowhere to hide when lying in bed with Felix, the full length of him lit by moonlight and face cut with shadow.

Holding Felix had never been like _this_. He rested his whole body along Chan’s side, from head to toe. His head rested on his own folded arm, the other reaching across Chan’s torso, a small comforting weight that Chan felt with every uncertain breath. Felix shifted for a few moments before bringing one knee up and over, nestling a socked foot between Chan’s calves. He sighed, bodyweight sinking. After a long, silent minute, he moved his head to Chan’s chest, tightening his grip on his waist and wriggling his feet. There was no way he couldn’t feel Chan’s hand trembling on his shoulder, couldn’t hear Chan’s heart going crazy.

“ _Hyung_ ”, he whispered so Chan had to strain to hear. He cleared his throat and spoke just a little louder. “Seungmin said you looked upset. When they were talking about… this.” He brought his hand up to play with Chan’s shirt over his chest. “I hope I didn’t, like, hurt your feelings.”

Chan’s breath caught in his throat. His first instinct was to lie to protect the younger, who sounded sad at the thought. But this was Felix. Chan may have been lying by omission all these years by shoving down his feelings, but lying at this moment felt wrong. The air between them was heavy.

“It kind of hurt,” he said finally. “But I didn’t blame you. I just wondered why.” He cut himself short of the full truth.

Felix didn’t respond right away and the two just breathed together in the night, still pressed close. Too close. Not close enough, never close enough for the burning need in Chan. Changbin snored below them, the dull roar of the city coming in muffled by glass. The humidifier exhaled once, twice. Overall the dark room was quiet save for their mingling breath, but to Chan each sound magnified in his mind to massive importance. Every second stretched out impossibly long.

Finally, Felix spoke in hushed tones, whispering again.

“You really don’t know why?”

 _What did I do, what did I say? How did I mess this up?_ Chan let out a breath. He brought up his free hand from where it lay on the sheets to grab at the small fingers playing nervously at his chest. He held Felix’s hand without thinking.

“I really don’t know,” he confessed. “I don’t know what I did to make you not want to cuddle me.” _I wish I knew, I wish I could fix it--_

Felix huffed. “It’s not that I don’t want to,” he mumbled. “It’s just… well.” He turned his face into Chan’s chest, hiding even though Chan could barely see in the dim moonlight. “It’s not like you ever tried to cuddle me at night, either. I guess I just assumed it was for the same reason.”

“What reason could I have for not cuddling you?” Chan asked, though he already knew the answer. He cursed the words the second they left his mouth. That question was too damn close to exposing his feelings . Too close to putting into words the growing tension over the past few months. Too close, because once Chan had to say it out loud that made it real, and making it real meant requiring a response from Felix, and requiring a response meant the possibility of a _No, you creep, never, not in a million years, I never want to touch you again, go away--_

“You really don’t know?” Felix asked again. “You… it’s just me?”

Chan’s heart clenched. He was confused, his head was a mess, his heart still pounding like it would burst out of his chest. He had no idea what was going on, but the sadness in Felix’s voice ripped right through him. 

“Felix,” he said, then stopped. What the hell could he say?

“Tell me the truth,” Felix said with a quiet resignation. “Whatever that is, I want to hear it. I deserve to hear it.”

The truth. How could he put _this_ truth into words? A truth that was never spoken, never written down except after being torn apart and reversed and hidden away in lyrics. A truth barely acknowledged at all. A truth held in the deepest recess of his heart. _Tell me the truth_.

Chan had spent the last three years telling Felix the truth. His hopes, his dreams, his worries and his fears. Everything that ran through him, Felix heard it and carried it alongside his own burdens. Chan’s feelings, that deep part of his heart, had been his sole secret. Over time it became something jealously guarded. Nobody could know, and he didn’t _want_ anybody to know. As long as it stayed secret, he could pretend there was hope. He could imagine a future with Felix knowing that not a soul could see his mind’s eye.

And now here was Felix, hugging him and keeping him warm and demanding the truth.

Chan was defenseless.

“I can’t let myself,” he said, right into the crown of Felix’s head. “There’s so much on my shoulders. There’s so much weighing me down. I’m always so afraid of disappointing everyone. Making a mistake. Being selfish.” He released Felix’s hand, joining his own together around Felix’s waist. “What I want is… selfish. It could ruin everything. I’ve tried ignoring it, getting over it, finding a balance.” He scoffed at himself bitterly. Of course fate would bring Chan his soulmate across oceans and against all odds only to say, _You can look, but you can’t have it. And you probably shouldn’t look, either_. “I tried not to find it unfair. But I still wanted more. The only thing I could do was, like.” He bit his lip. “Avoid the temptation.”

And there it was. Out in the open. Not everything he had to say, and not as plain as he could have said it, but. It was said, out loud. And now Chan had to wait. The butterflies in his stomach were raging.

Felix didn’t move, didn’t breathe. Changbin slept. Somewhere down below a car honked twice.

“You didn’t sleep next to me because it was _tempting_?”

At first Chan thought Felix was disgusted, then he suspected he was being teased. Then, only after his words had time to settle, did Chan detect something new in Felix’s voice: equal parts coy, unsure, and pleased. 

He finally pulled his head up from Chan’s chest and balanced himself on an elbow, looking down. “You think I’m tempting?” He didn’t quite smile, but his lips were working minutely, cheeks blushing moonlit lavender beneath stray freckles.

Chan stole his line.

“You really don’t know?”

They stared at each other. Chan found himself out of breath despite not moving a muscle. He couldn’t believe this was real. After imagining this scenario a thousand times but never truly believing it would happen, he felt like he had jumped into a pool of ice water. Unprepared, unknowing, shocked.

Finally those beautiful lips turned up into a plush smile.

“I might have suspected,” said Felix. “Or hoped, more like. I didn’t want to believe it, in case it wasn’t true.” Chan couldn’t tear his eyes away. He wanted to look at Felix until the sun burned up into nothingness. He wanted to hold him in his arms like this until every ocean on earth evaporated and all the forests burned to ash. He wanted this moment forever.

“I knew you love me,” continued Felix, still smiling down at Chan. “I mean, in that _big brother_ way.” A trace of displeasure crossed his face. “Ugh. I mean. But. It’s not just that? You actually, like… want me?”

Chan wondered how Felix could possibly _not_ know how tempting he was at that exact second. Blushing and happy, lips wet and red and smiling. Eyes glowing, his whole body soft and warm and heavy on Chan like he belonged there.

Chan unlinked his hands and lifted one to Felix’s cheek. He touched a freckle above his right eye, then one right below. He stroked the backs of his knuckles in a gentle sweep over his cheekbone.

“You have no idea how much,” Chan whispered. As though everything had been held back until said aloud, a warm rush burst through his body, extending out to his fingertips, his toes, every hair on his head. “So, so much, Felix. Anything and everything. Anything you want, I want to give it to you.”

Felix exhaled like he’d been holding his breath. He laid his head on Chan’s bicep, still gazing at him.

“I was always so worried about skinship with you,” he admitted. Now that Chan had spilled his heart, Felix seemed to want to, too. “It’s different. Right? It’s not like touching the other guys. I can cuddle with them and it’s just _nice._ It doesn’t _mean_ anything, you know?”

“Minho said you bit his thighs,” Chan couldn’t help saying. He felt dumb for saying it when Felix laughed sweetly.

“When I bite his thighs, we both laugh because it’s just a big joke.” He looked away shyly, breaking eye contact finally. “If I came into your room and started biting your thighs… would you think it was funny?”

 _Tell me the truth._ “No.”

“Exactly,” said Felix. He cuddled in closer and Chan automatically tightened his grasp. “I wouldn’t, either.”

“You, uh.” Chan cleared his throat. “You can do that, if you want. By the way. Biting my, uh. You know.”

Felix’s resulting giggle was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Changbin grumbled loudly. 

“ _Are you two ever gonna shut up? Just because I can’t understand your English doesn’t mean I can’t hear it, assholes.”_

 _“Sorry, hyung. Thought you were asleep.”_

Changbin flopped over with a sigh. Felix and Chan both lay in silence, absorbed in the incredible turn of events.

“We should sleep,” said Chan with considerable regret. “We have to be up early.”

“I know. Don’t wanna wake up and realize it’s a dream.” Felix huffed out a little sigh and Chan’s heart did a funny dance.

“Go to sleep,” he whispered as he pressed a tentative kiss to Felix’s forehead. “We’ll talk more tomorrow. I promise.”

“You love me like that? Right? We didn’t quite say it, but… you do. Right?” Felix’s voice was almost inaudible. Trembling.

The hot rush Chan had felt earlier mellowed into a deep, warm contentment. “With all my heart,” was all he said. There was too much to say for how little night they had left.

“I love you, too,” Felix murmured, stifling a yawn. Chan was sure he had never been happier. Countless goals fulfilled, proud accomplishments, and euphoric live performances had done little to prepare him for _this_ happiness.

Felix fell asleep quickly in Chan’s arms, succumbing to the emotional and physical exhaustion of the day. Chan tried to stay awake to take in as much as he could of the incredible warmth of love’s weight on his chest, but eventually he drifted off, hands shaped to the small of Felix’s back. 

What the morning would bring was unsure, but he couldn’t wait.


End file.
